


Dreams & Jealousy

by justdk



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Communication, Jealousy, M/M, Making Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 23:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13200897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justdk/pseuds/justdk
Summary: Adam discovers a box of gifts that Kavinsky gave Ronan and confronts him. Post-TRK





	Dreams & Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> I recently rediscovered this story I wrote back in July 2016. I had totally forgotten about it so here you go. FYI: this might not be for everyone because it's painful and not fluff like most of my Pynch work.

Adam had been living at the Barns for several weeks and he was finally starting to think of it as home, not just Ronan’s house. The transition had been awkward for him at first: trying to work out if he would be sharing Ronan’s bedroom or if he would be taking over another room in the house, struggling to get over his issues with independence and privacy. Ronan had been understanding in his blunt but sincere way. When Adam had dropped his few boxes of possessions on the floor of Ronan’s room, Ronan had flopped carelessly on the bed and said, simply, “This is your place, Adam.”

So Adam had taken to exploring while Ronan mucked about on the farm. The house was full of dream objects and everyday things that, simply because they belonged to the Lynch family, made them infinitely interesting. Adam spent hours curled up on the floor of Ronan’s parents’ closet, leafing through picture albums. He couldn’t get over the pictures of Ronan as a kid; it was heartbreaking to see his innocent, smiling face and know that within a few years Ronan would be an orphan.

One day, during his explorations, Adam found the Box. It was in the attic and Adam knew instantly that it had been placed there recently because it was the only object not covered in dust. It was just a cardboard box, a little beat up, and it had not been taped shut. The area around the box was marked with footprints in the dust and there was a cleared space, as if someone had sat there. Feeling more curious than ever Adam opened the box.

The items inside the box clearly belonged to Ronan. At first it appeared to be a random selection of things, but, with a sinking heart, Adam realized that everything in the box was a dreamt object and that Ronan had not dreamed them. The box was full of gifts from Kavinsky. Adam wanted to push the box away and pretend that it didn’t exist but it was too late. His hands trembled a little as he took out each object and mentally cataloged it. Some items were obviously meant to be jokes and jabs; for example, the box of extra large condoms that were mint flavored. Others, however, showed consideration, like the book of mythology written entirely in Latin. There were the leather wristbands, the fake IDs, a pair of lucky Irish boxers, bottles of alcohol (some of them had obviously been sampled), a custom license plate, driving gloves, fireworks, assorted mixed tapes, a bottle full of strange pills, and, buried at the very bottom, Polaroid photos. Photos of Ronan.

Adam knew, vaguely, about how Ronan had spent an entire weekend with Kavinsky, dreaming Gansey’s car. At the time Adam had not cared, he was too caught up in his own problems. After Kavinsky died Adam did not feel like it was necessary to ask. But staring at the pictures he felt the first waves of jealousy crashing over him. The pictures were unbearably erotic, though Adam did not think Ronan had been in any condition to consent to having his picture taken. One showed him passed out on the hood of one of Kavinsky’s Evo. Ronan was shirtless, lying on stomach with his glorious back tattoo on full display. Kavinsky’s hand was pressed against Ronan’s lower back, giving the viewer the impression that he was probably straddling Ronan’s legs in order to take that shot. In another picture Ronan was stepping out of a bathroom, his pants hanging low on his hips and the fly open. He must have just taken a shower because he was shirtless and a towel was wrapped around his shoulders. Adam didn’t recognize the room but he assumed it was in Kavinsky’s house. Another picture showed Ronan sprawled out in a movie chair, unconscious and exposed, with his manhood decorated by an Irish flag.

The other pictures were more innocent but just as disturbing. They were all candid shots, taken when Ronan did not know he was being observed. There were ones taken at Aglionby, at Nino’s, at the party field, through the Monmouth windows, and even one of Ronan in church with Declan and Matthew. It was definitely stalkerish and creepy but Ronan had kept them all. Adam didn’t know what to make of it. He put the items back in the box and sat at the top of the attic steps and tried to figure out why Ronan was hanging onto these gifts. Did he miss Kavinsky?

Adam was still brooding that night as he joined Ronan in bed. Ronan was telling him, in a sleepy voice, about some baby rabbits that he had found but Adam wasn’t listening. After a few moments Ronan stopped talking and stared at Adam, evaluating the pensive look on Adam’s face as he stared up at the ceiling.

“Adam,” Ronan asked, “what’s wrong?”

Adam sighed and turned so that they were facing one another. “I found the box in the attic,” he said.

Ronan’s eyes closed briefly. “Right,” he said. “So what’s bothering you?”

Adam sat up, his eyes flashing. “What’s bothering me?” he exclaimed. “I just found a box full of gifts and explicit pictures from another guy! Things that you’ve been hoarding away! Jesus, Ronan, of course I’m bothered!”

Ronan sat up too, his expression almost guilty. “I’m not _hoarding_ that box, Adam. I’m just…not ready to let him go,” he explained. “Everyone else has forgotten K but I can’t. He taught me how to control my dreams and he was there for me when I needed him and all I did was let him down.” Ronan’s voice was broken with shame. “I used him, Adam. I could have done something, maybe, I don’t know…he just…he didn’t have to die, man. We could have worked it out…”

Adam’s heart was pounding he was so upset. “No,” he said, his voice hard, “you could _not_ have worked it out. All he saw was you, Ronan. You were supposed to be his answer but can you honestly tell me that you would have been able to save him? What, would you have brought _him_ to the Barns? Wrapped _him_ up in a quilt and showed _him_ baby mice? He wasn’t like that. He would have destroyed you and you would have _liked_ it!” Adam was yelling now and he couldn’t seem to stop, even though Ronan’s face has gone pale and he was staring at Adam like he didn’t know him.

Adam pushed himself out of bed and paced around the room, trying to keep himself from hurting Ronan anymore than he already had. But all he could see were those pictures and Kavinsky’s hands on Ronan’s body. He felt like he was going to be sick. Ronan got out of bed and approached him, carefully. Adam stopped his pacing and stared at him, at his toned body and the black lines of his tattoo that ghosted over his shoulders and around his sides, hinting at the masterpiece permanently inked on his back. Ronan was gorgeous and Adam was…he just didn’t compare. Ronan reached out and took Adam’s hands in his. Adam watched, breathless, as Ronan studied his hands, rubbing his thumbs over Adam’s knuckles.

“I just don’t understand,” Adam said quietly. “And I worry that maybe you liked him better than me. That you would rather be with him but…”

Ronan cut him off. “Adam, K is _dead_.”

“I know! I know. And isn’t that worse? You can’t compete with the dead. And, God, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but you could always dream a copy of him, right? Like, if you get tired of me…”

Ronan dropped Adam’s hands, clapped his palm over Adam’s mouth, and then shoved him against the wall. The impact was jarring and Adam’s breath was knocked out of him as Ronan pressed into him, trapping him. “ _Don’t_ ,” Ronan growled. Adam was breathless and a little scared; he had never seen Ronan look this angry.

“Adam Parrish,” Ronan said, “I love you.” He let the works linger before pressing on. “I may have been attracted to K and we did share a bond as dreamers, but I would _never_ dream a copy of him. And I have no intention of replacing you with anyone. Ever.” He stared into Adam’s eyes, waiting for some sign. Adam relaxed his body against Ronan’s and felt the tension sliding out of Ronan’s body.

They moved as one, mouths coming together, hands grasping, fumbling, as they stumbled away from the wall and onto the bed. They didn’t speak, other than to say each other’s names, and morning found them both exhausted but contented. They lingered in bed and talked, working things out with words now that their bodies were too tired.

The box remained in the attic but was taped shut and put in a corner. It was brought to light, for the last time, the following Fourth of July, the anniversary of Kavinsky’s death. Ronan made a huge bonfire and invited Blue and Gansey and Henry to come over for fireworks and a cookout. Together the five of them drank the bottles of dreamt alcohol and set off the fireworks. Ronan tried to give Blue the box of condoms but she had refused. Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Adam and Ronan stood around the fire and Ronan had tossed in the gifts, one at a time, saving the pictures for last. The only object he kept was a fake ID, explaining to Adam that it could still be useful. Adam nodded and wrapped his arms around Ronan as they watched the fire die down, a fitting tribute to the incendiary dreamer, Joseph Kavinsky.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @dkafterdark


End file.
